Школа иностранных языков в Нижнем Новгороде
by PF "English Language Company"

Сборник анекдотов на английском языке 2

Уровень: Intermediate

Описание: Анекдоты на английском языке. Указания на тему нет. Для некоторых слов и выражений дан перевод.


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— «I have good news and bad news», the defense lawyer says to his client.
— «What’s the bad news?»
The lawyer says:
— «Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene.»
— «Dammit!» cries the client. «What’s the good news?»
— «Well,» the lawyer says, «Your cholesterol is down to 140.»

    defense lawyer — адвокат; сторона, защищающая на суде обвиняемого;
match — подходить, соответствовать;
murder scene — место преступления
— I have 12 legs, 12 arms and 8 heads. What am I?
— A liar!

    liar — обманщик
— Lord, I have a problem!
— What’s the problem, Eve?
— Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I’m just not happy.
— Why is that, Eve?
— Lord, I am lonely. And I’m sick to death of apples.
— Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.
— What’s a ‘man,’ Lord?
— This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly, he’ll basically give you a hard time. He’ll be bigger, faster, and more muscular than you. He’ll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball. But, he’ll be pretty good in the sack.
— I can put up with that,- says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
— Yeah well, he’s better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, there is one condition.
— What’s that, Lord?
— You’ll have to let him believe that I made him first

    Flawed сreature — бракованный; дефектный продукт
Sack — постель
put up with — смириться с
poke in / at — тыкать, совать
— What’s worse than finding a maggot in an apple?
— Finding half a maggot!

    maggot — червяк
— Why couldn’t Cinderella be a good soccer player?
— She lost her shoe, she ran away from the ball, and her coach was a pumpkin.

    Cinderella — Золушка
soccer player — футболист
ball — мяч, бал
coach — тренер, карета
— Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party?
— Because he had no-body to go with!

    обыгрывается no body — ќ нет тела› и nobody — ќникто, никого›
1 Bess`s universal principle

Very important phone calls only come when you can’t get the key in the door.
    1-й всеобщий принцип Бесса

Важные телефонные звонки происходят, когда вы безуспешно пытаетесь открыть входную дверь.
A Blonde goes to a barber and asks for a haircut. The barber asks her to take off her headphones, and she says she needs them and can’t take them off. As he starts to cut her hair, she falls asleep in the chair. The barber can’t cut her hair correctly with the headphones on, so he removes them, and after 30 seconds she drops dead. Startled by what’s happened, he picks up the earphones to listen what it was and they said: «Breath in, breath out. Breath in, breath out…»
    barber — парикмахер;
haircut — подстригать;
headphones — наушники;
falls asleep — уснуть;
remove — вытащил;
drops dead — упасть замертво;
startled — пораженный;
breath in, breath out — вдохнуть, выдохнуть
A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.
The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord — nothing happens.
She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.
The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells «Oh! So you wanna race, huh?»
    pull — нажать, тянуть, напряжение, усилие;
cord — веревка, шнур;
emergency — непредвиденный случай; крайняя необходимость; крайность;
race — гонка, соревнование
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn’t serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn’t serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn’t serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, «How in the world do you know I am a blonde?» The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says, «That’s not a TV — it’s a microwave!»
    frustrated — несостоявшийся; сорвавшийся, расстроенный;
astonishment — удивление, изумление;
disgustedly — с отвращением
A bull in a china shop
    Дословно: Бык в магазине фарфора
Слон в посудной лавке
A cash cow
    Дословно: денежная корова
Продукт, пользующийся спросом; хорошее вложение денег. В маркетинге — «дойная корова»
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and says, »All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ‘ALLLLEEE OOOP!’ really loudly in the horse’s ear. Providing you do that, you’ll be fine.»
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers ‘Aleeee ooop’ in the horse’s ear. The same thing happens — the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, »It’s no good, I’ll have to do it,» and yells, »ALLLEEE OOOP!» really loudly.
Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, »Nothing is wrong with me, it’s this bloody horse. What is he deaf or something?»
The trainer replies, »Deaf?? DEAF?? He’s not deaf, he’s BLIND!»
    provided — (союз) при условии, если только; в том случае, если;

ridiculous — нелепый, смехотворный, смешной;

approach — подходить, приближаться;

hurdle — барьер. Переносная изгородь;

embarrassed — расстроен, растерян;

bloody — проклятый;

deaf — глухой, лишённый слуха, тугой на ухо;

dlind — слепой
A few laws of computer programming

A terminal usually works better if you plug it in.
    Закон Сатлингера

Компьютер будет работать лучше, если его включить.
A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, «Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers.»
    seek — искать, разыскать, пытаться найти;
aid — помощь, поддержка;
puzzled — озадаченно;
delight — удовольствие, развлечение
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing ќLove› stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says:
— I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ќGuess who?›
— But why? — asks the man.
— I’m a divorce lawyer — the man replies.

    balding — лысеющий;
placing — укладывание;
scent — аромат;
curiosity — любопытство;
divorce lawyer — адвокат по бракоразводным процессам
A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.
.Not yet,. said the little boy. His mother tells him he can’t have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. .How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?. he asks.

.Well,. his mother says, .I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren’t getting any milk this morning..

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he’s walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, .Are you going to tell him, or should I?.
    Kick — пинать, ударять
A little girl at a wedding asked, «Mommy, why do brides always wear white?»
«Because they’re happy,» the mom replied.
Halfway through the wedding, the girl whispered, «Mommy, if brides wear white because they’re happy, then why do grooms wear black?»

    bride — невеста;

groom — жених
A man walked into a therapist’s office looking very depressed. «Doc, you’ve got to help me. I can’t go on like this.»
«What’s the problem?» the doctor inquired.
«Well, I’m 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.»
«My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you’ll have women buzzing all around you.»
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.
«Did my advice not work?» asked the doctor.
«It worked alright. For the past several weeks I’ve enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.»
«So, what’s your problem?»
«I don’t have a problem,» the man replied. «My wife does.»
    Inquire — спросить, поинтересоваться;
scare — пугать, отпугивать;
self-esteem — самооценка;
conviction — уверенность, убежденность;
buzzing — жжужать, кружить;
downtrodden — растоптанный, угнетенный
A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortuneteller’s tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.
«Ah…» said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. «I see you are the father of two children.»
«Some fortuneteller,» scoffed the man, «I’m the father of THREE children.»
The woman grinned and said, «That’s what YOU think!»
    Мужчина прогуливался по ярмарочной площади и увидел навес гадалки. Думая, что сможет повеселиться, он вошел внутрь и присел.
ќОх.› сказала гадалка, когда вгляделась в кристальный шар. ќЯ вижу что вы отец двоих детей.›
ќТоже мне гадалка›, насмешливо произнес мужчина, ќЯ отец ТРЕХ детей.›
Женщина ухмыльнулась и сказала, ќЭто ВЫ так думаете!›